When I look outside my bedroom window tonight I think of all the bedroom windows, in all the houses, in all the world. And this is the one that I've 'chosen'. It could have been any other room, any other mirror, any other group of people on the other side. I sigh. But I look out the window and for once am present, am back into this one moment. I watch the cold winds blow those two trees in the backyard - both now emptied of leaves. I watch the dark houses, and the darker house a street away but tall. I watch it's luminous christmas lights dwarf the properly disinterested houses below. Dead trees, the dark house below, light above and when twisting all the images my mind picks the words "alienated dystopia". And I think back to the dystopia that we've let fester for so long. Father dying, sister in limbo, Mother stressed... and me, god what a ruin I've become. I hope that your little Christmas's are less real, less life-changing. I look out again, and I've met some people in those houses but none of these "outside the window" people ever understand the heavy weaves in our family. Ours is has unraveled now. For the first time I will be without a monster over me. An emotional explosion came finally this year, ten years in making.
Ah well, metaphors Matt - come to facts... And that is something not to do just now I fear. Perhaps I will start a blog tomorrow. It would have to be about the little things that happen in a family, or in a life, the moments show a microcosm of the growing scars - the scars are unstoppable when there is no real love to hold them back. Love became so buried, trampled by fear and fear and fear and always the fear. Fear is an adaptive impulse, they tell us, something to keep us stay safe in a dangerous world. It seems to drive us so wrong, so often.
OK I guess I will start a blog tomorrow. Some old friends will read it as if it were religion in the worst sense of the word - as if hell beckoned to those who ignore my words. Thanks in advance. I would love to have new friends join my wistful attempt to make 10 years of pain and mess come to something; I think that I can count on Tammy at least :)
